He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
