Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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