New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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