My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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