When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
