I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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