Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
