Yo dont text me then not text me
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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