I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I think we might need a safe word for this...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
