6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
