You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
