My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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