Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
