I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
