My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
