I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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