I cannot find my penis.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
