saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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