I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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