he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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