Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
