My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
