So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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