Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
