Plan B is the new Plan A
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I pour the whiskey from now on
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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