I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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