im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
