People with herpes should wear stickers.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
