tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
