My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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