My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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