my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
