The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
