Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
