Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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