He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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