So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
