i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
