My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
