my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
sex in a hospital.. check
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
