Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize