Will you blow on my dice?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
