That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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