I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
