Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
