I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
