Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize