Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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