I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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