She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
