Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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