Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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