I think im going to throw up on grandma
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
