I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
